Hurt

 

Hurt

Throughout the teaching life of Christ, He found many who loved Him and many who only hurt Him. Many heard His teachings, heard the truth and chose not to follow Him. They questioned His credibility, mocked Him for who He was. They made mistakes, lied, stole, sought revenge, weren’t fair despite Christ’s teaching to love their neighbor, their enemies, and to forgive not 7 times but 77. Jesus always stood firm in truth, never backed off from what He taught. The truth made many uncomfortable knowing they lived in sin and needed to change. Many couldn't handle or accept the truth He taught.They saw the face of God but chose not to love Him anyways. Christ shook the dust from His shoes and kept going spreading the truth. From the Agony in the Garden to His death on the cross, Christ took on the pain caused by all of our sins and mistakes past present and future. He felt loss, betrayal, abandonment, hurts caused by anger, despair, and loneliness. As He carried His cross many of His followers fled in fear or turned against Him. One of His closest friends betrayed Him and all but one abandoned Him in His greatest time of need.

 

Christ only responded with love and forgiveness. The night of His arrest He didn't attempt to correct those who wrongly accused Him, or seek for anyone else to feel the pain they had caused Him. Luke 23:34: Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do. How many times do we cause each other pain through our indifference, our anger, when we take things out of proportion, when we act without thinking, make mistakes, betray trust and not even realize the hurt we cause another?

 

Christ found some solace in the good thief who recognized his own imperfections and Christ’s innocence. Christ desired to forgive Him and because this thief expressed His desire for Christ, he was promised Heaven. Luke 23:43: Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise. Christ had no fault in Him, but are we able to acknowledge our own faults and imperfections? Are we as quick to unconditionally forgive those who ask our forgiveness no matter how much pain they have caused?

 

To add to Christ’s suffering He must watch His own mother suffer as she sees her only innocent Son, tortured as a grave felon, and in agony. Her heart aches for Him and His aches for her. Even though we have proven to be difficult and make mistakes, He entrusts His mother to us when He gives her to John. John 19:26–27: Woman, behold your son. Behold your mother. When someone has betrayed us, and hurt us, are we able to let it go? Do we give them the chance to be trusted again?

 

Abandoned and hurt, betrayed, alone, mocked and spit upon. What has He done to deserve our anger? What is this hurt He has caused you? He still doesn’t retaliate or try to save Himself. Matthew 27:46: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Have you ever felt the pain of someone unjustly upset with you? Christ has felt it. Is our anger ever justified or is there more to it that we fail to recognize or choose to not see?

 

All Christ desires is everyone’s love. At His final moments on the cross He desires to give of Himself completely to everyone, yet hardly any are there to return this love. He wasn’t just physically thirsty, Christ thirsted for our souls. John 19:28: I thirst. Do we quench Christ’s thirst?  Do we choose to love Him in loving our neighbors, our enemies, or do we withhold our hearts from Him as we with hold forgiveness and love from those who have wronged us? Do we allow our souls to receive all of Him in Holy Eucharist or do we selfishly with hold our souls from His greatest most intimate act of love?

 

The final moment has come. Christ is ready to let go of Himself completely offering Himself as the only pure sacrifice to save us from the eternal punishment due to us for all our sin. John 19:30: It is finished. Are we able to let go of ourselves and take the hurt? Are we able to stand back and take on another’s hurt rather than defend ourselves or seek for them to hurt the way we do?

 

Christ gives it all, His life over to God. He takes upon our judgment and sufferings which He doesn’t deserve. Luke 23:46: Father, into your hands I commit my spirit. Are we able to let things go, release the grudges and hurts and place it in God’s hands? Do we place the people involved, or the situations into God’s hands?

 

We’re imperfect, we make mistakes, we don’t think, we act stupidly, we choose to do what we already know is wrong. In all this we keep on hurting each other causing unnecessary pain to be inflicted on our enemies and our neighbors. When we act without thinking theres a chance someone will get hurt. When we betray another’s trust we hurt them.  When we make stupid mistakes it causes hurt. When we knowingly choose do something that is wrong, we cause hurt. When someone wrongs us we want them to suffer too, we want them to know how we hurt so we cause them to hurt too by withholding our forgiveness. When we react trying to defend ourselves we may add to the hurt already in the situation. Why must we keep hurting, being hurt, and causing hurt? What does this accomplish? Why can’t we stop? We ultimately hurt Christ as we deny His love from others and choose not to let it rest within our own hearts. Christ is still going to take on the pain for us, still going to forgive us and love us if we seek Him. Christ asks us to forgive not 7 but 77 times, to love our neighbors as well as our enemies, to turn the other cheek.

 

This is how we end the hurt. We love because He first loved us 1 John 4:19 

 

Hurt: Johnny Cash & Nine Inch Nails

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thy Will Be Done

When you don't know what to pray for regarding anything, or anyone, simply pray that God's will be done, and that your heart may most humbly accept His will.

We like to have things go our way, to be in control, to feel safe and secure. Lose that sense of control and we desperately try to grab back at it. Maybe our grades are slipping, maybe a friend is in trouble, someone is sick, maybe we're sick, someone close to us dies, some one makes a life altering decision, maybe we have a life altering decision before us, perhaps we want something, or someone to have a part in our life, we don't know how to help, we can't solve a problem, we really want something to turn out for the best.

What can we do? God wants us to depend completely on Him. He desires our hearts to be open to what He has planned. He generously wants to pour Himself into every aspect of our lives.

It Is CHRIST !

Originally written 11/23/1012

The predictable and yet unpredictable love story.

            I wont always be the first to admit that I’m a sucker for the predictable romantic comedy movies. Case in point I stayed up three hours past my normal bedtime last night to watch one. I don’t even know the name of it. In the movie the lead girl Georgia was a popular girl in high school, pretty, fun, head of the cheer squad, and very nice. She dated the football jock Craig, but her best friend was an artsy nerd guy named Ben. She grew up and though she had been voted most likely to succeed, she was only an assistant to a fashion designer. So she goes home to her high school reunion hoping to reunite with the jock because she thought he was the only good thing she ever had going for her, (she had broken up with him at prom suspecting him of cheating) but as the night progressed and the memories rolled in very slowly she came to realize that it wasn’t the jock, but her faithful art nerd friend who had been the “most amazing man in her life.”

Craig really was the stereotypical jock, good looking, and kind of a brute of a guy, not a lot of depth, and he did in fact cheat on Georgia with her supposedly best friend Tori who is sick with envy over Georgia and tries to sabotage Georgia at the reunion. Ben was always the nice guy, her buddy, he made her laugh and smile, he was always there for her through thick and thin, they had a lot of fun adventures together, he threw himself out there for her, threw his dignity and pride on the line to protect hers and when she broke up with Craig after catching him cheating, Ben was the one there to dance with her at prom and cheer her up again. So at the reunion Ben who is obviously still captivated by Georgia, tries his hardest to pour out his whole honest heart to Georgia about the real admiration, love and affection he has always had for her. However, Craig always walks in at the most inopportune times and steals Georgia away leaving Ben alone and heartbroken.

In the end Georgia is still the popular nice girl though she isn’t financially successful. Tori gets Craig, while Georgia gets the support and love of her classmates. Georgia hurts Ben, almost loses him because he is fed up with having his heart stepped on and at this point I didn’t blame him, but she was still able to come back and ask his forgiveness and the two of them live happily ever after! Okay long synopsis and totally predictable right? but it is relevant to what I really wanted to reflect upon.

So as I watched that movie I found I could relate to Georgia, I wasn’t head of anything, certainly not one of the popular girls in high school, but I was well liked and people tell me its because I was nice. I’ve graduated and I like Georgia don’t feel all that successful either and I feel the pressure from everyone, especially my parents and family, to do something already, to be someone they can be proud of. I’ve thought about my own high school reunion. What if I have the challenge of facing my classmates and catching up and not having a whole lot to say as far as what I’m accomplishing in life. Then my heart poured out for Ben. I just wanted to scream at Georgia, look he’s right here! He supports you, he’s there for you, he doesn’t put you down, he builds you up, he makes you smile and laugh, he truly cares about your heart and its so obvious, why do you keep stepping on his heart with this Craig guy! I thought, gosh I wish I had a Ben, a solid faithful guy friend who loved me for me and had adventures with me and everything, was there to protect me, someone who would love me, looked at me and beheld me as the most amazing girl he knows, who didn’t take me for grant it, who pursued me. Someone who I could love back. I wondered, why have I never had a friend like that?

I began singing the Salve Regina to myself thinking I’d just do that and offer God my thoughts and skip night prayer and go to bed. As I was singing though I forgot the words and had to flip open the prayer book and thought I might as well pray night prayers. Looked and tonight was the night for psalm 16, one of my favorites. “Lord you are my portion and my cup…” I thought gosh how is it that the exact things I need to hear are tonight’s prayer? The everyday questions were running through my head, what are you doing with your life, what is your vocation, could you be married? Could you be consecrated? Etc. etc. etc. I thought about my worries over Christmas gifts, black Friday deals and such has been on my mind, consumerism I’m buying into it apparently. I wondered, where are you going, you didn’t ever care about this stuff before. “Lord you are my portion and my cup…” is He? Or what have I really been filling my cup with? I began to understand.

Was there a “Ben” in my life and I was just not seeing Him like Georgia? Ben, once you got to know his character you knew he was going to come through for Georgia in every little stunt pulled, and treat her with every grace and kindness even when she may not have deserved his attention. He was at the same time unpredictable because you didn’t know how he was going to do it or how beautiful and perfect he’d come through. That was my epiphany. I’m God’s little girl, His girl. He did bless me with that “Ben” in my life, it’s Him. I say that I’ve never had that kind of a friend Ben was but again that’s me being like Georgia, having greatness right there upon her and never even realizing it till later. Ben was like Christ in this movie, and I’m like Georgia, I love Him, but my eyes aren’t always open to that, I’m distracted often by “Craig.” My “Craig” oh there are lots of them, my sins, my earthly desires. Craig is other guys I’ve chased after, he’s the emptiness I found in black Friday shopping, in clothes, in my impatience, in my unfaithfulness. Georgia was so caught up in Craig because he looked good and even made her feel good, but in the end it was empty and all she could think about was Ben. I’m the same. I get caught up in a sin or earthly desire simply because it looks good, and may temporarily feel good and seem good when it isn’t the ultimate good though I may treat it that way. It steals me away at the most inopportune moments and then winds up leaving me hurt and alone and empty just yearning to be rescued.

Christ is that perfect eternal true friend to me. He is both predictable and unpredictable. Predictable in that His mercy is ceaseless, and He unconditionally eternally loves me. He is unpredictable in that I could never guess just how or when or where or what He will do to bless me and give me the graces I need beyond generously. These would be the times I sit there and think wow really, you did this for me!? I think back on my past, my sins, guys I chased, earthly desires. I see me “happy” and infatuated with them, but then these things never satisfied, and at times left me broken and miserable, wounded. Taking a step back and looking at the whole picture I see Christ there too, He’s as Ben was for Georgia. He let go of His dignity, of His very life in order to save ours. He on the cross, and in the Eucharist pours out His entire heart to us. He is there waiting very dependable and saying with every heart beat, I love you, don’t you see that? He has always caught me when I fell, He’s my greatest source of true peace and joy, He has the power to dry my every tear, He continues to call after me no matter what. He treats me with every grace and kindness though I don’t deserve it. Christ of course infinitely surpassing Ben’s humanness never for a moment loses faith in me. Though I’ve hurt Him He is never unfaithful to me, always merciful and desiring to forgive me, all I must do is ask. He pursues me. He beholds me. He loves me. I love Him.

Humility

… today I read a post comparing different “entities.” It bothered me because only based off of internet knowledge and not a personal knowledge of each entity, it lead to an inference of which was “better.” Naturally I wanted to justify why the one I identify with is better, but I realized there really isn’t a need to do that, and I’d be falling into the same fault, making a comparison to justify why one was better.

This lead me to reflect on humility and pride in the realm of comparisons. First of all pride isn’t a sin when it is being genuinely happy with who you are, respecting values and good morals of your personal character. It's even good to be happy for ourselves, another, or some entity we idnetify with.

However, If our pride, self praise begins as “wow look we really do a lot of good,” and leads us to thinking “therefore we are better or more right than them” then we are falling into a sinful form of pride.

True humility is not making comparisons. It doesn’t mean making yourself less than everyone and everything nor does it mean putting yourself above everyone or everything. Humility is knowing where you stand and being confident in the truth of that. Furthermore it is acknowledging God is superior and the origin of all the good in you. In response to that knowledge of truth you then to the fullest give Him all glory and praise in all things, with that good He has made in who you are. Rather than trying to “know ” or “prove”yourself or another by making comparisons, know that who we all are at the deepest level only exists in Christ. NO comparisons necessary.

“For through the law I died to the law, that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ;yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me; insofar as I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who has loved me and given himself up for me.” Galations 2:19&20

Nightmare: Church Gone Wrong

Last night I had a nightmare: the church I love fell to society and therefore attempted to conform. It began in a huge balcony that didn't even have sight of the sanctuary but it was still in the church and I was kneeling with everyone who had their cell phones out and visible and even audible so as to keep up with everything going on outside, even football games. So I got fed up listening to football when I was trying to pray and went downstairs to find a good seat in the front and that’s when I noticed I was wearing shorts on Sunday and was embarrassed, and other people were too, in t-shirts, athletic clothes, etc seemed that anything went. I looked towards where the sanctuary should have been but it was barely recognizable. The altar was pulled way forward almost at the first pew, the entire back wall was a collage of paintings of faces that were supposed to be Mary, Jesus, Joseph and different saints but they weren't any classic works, all modern interpretations. There were statues not classic saint ones, but of everyday people in life like poses, running, playing etc. The choir was made up of hundreds of people that stretched all around the outer edge of the entire "sanctuary." The band was the size of a large jazz band with several guitars, tambourines, maracas, and other instruments. It came time for the homily and a team of 4 people came up. One girl started pointing to the pictures explaining them all to the congregation. The priest stopped her and said no just one. So she had the audience vote by cheers and show of hands which one they wanted her to reflect on. It happened to be one that looked like an older painting and was actually faced away from everyone but from the front I could still see it. It was one of an angel overcoming a dark figure so I assume St. Michael, but I couldn’t tell what she said about it because of the background music and as soon as she interpreted it the whole place burst into claps and whistles and cheers and the band picked up with a very upbeat jazzy loud version of “o come let us adore Him.” Then finally the crucifix came out, it hadn’t been there the whole time it was some sort of contraption that swung out only when needed by lots of guys manning ropes. It was no longer a crucifix though, just a cross and they “shook” the whole giant thing to the beat of the music. That’s when I just sat back and cried. What had become of this place?! Who let this happen?! I looked to the priest half expecting him to be in approval with all of this, but when I looked I found a very weary disheartened man looking to the cross his face very somber, quite detached from everything else going on. Apparently he barely had a place here. He was just a figure that got to stay part of it but clearly didn’t have much significance in this theatrical production of a “ceremony.”

I woke up remembering a quote I used recently “we go to mass not as an audience but as conscious participants in the Eucharist.” This dream seemed to be the fulfillment of many common and disordered complaints both Catholics and other faiths have about the Catholic mass.

“Mass is boring, and too old fashioned.” “Why do yall hang Christ crucified that’s gory.” “Why dress up Jesus accepts us as we are.” “your church oppresses women by only letting men take on major roles.” “I could deliver a better homily than that guy.” “He’s so boring and monotone he needs to be more charismatic.” “the music is so old fashioned it needs to have more of a beat to it and a better performance.” “saint images wearing poor clothes, bleeding, stabbed, holding eyeballs etc that’s just weird.”

We don’t go to mass with the goal of getting something out of it or to be entertained. If we do, we lose sight of WHO we are celebrating in the liturgy. This vision of a church I had in my dream was a picture of what the church would look like if it “kept up with our culture, the times.” With the service (not going to call it a mass) no longer centered on the Eucharist, the focus turns selfishly on us, our entertainment, and satisfaction. Its all about what we want, not God’s love for us or trying to imitate Christ. No, that would be “too hard” for us. Once that happens anything goes. We wouldn’t remember our saints for who they were as people who gave up everything to follow Christ or became martyrs who died for their faith. I guess that way of life is too hard for us to attempt so we replace them with “nice” things to look at, people playing and running wearing nice clothes just having fun. We’d lose our traditional old familiar hymns that sang of the mystery of the church, of God’s love and sacrifice, to modern contemporary versions of them that completely drown out the meaning behind the song with all the drums and such. Our attention is now being kept by a dancing choir. No longer would we meditate on Christ’s sacrifice, I guess the crucifix would be too gruesome and a party killer in this version of the church and would be replaced by a cross that danced along to the music.  Since we lose our sense of Who we’re going for nothing really matters. We don’t feel a need to look our best, silence our phones, or to be reverent. We diminish the role of the priest. We say why can’t we do what the priest does, hierarchy is “oppressing” we are all “equals.” So then the congregation takes over the priest’s role and he sadly becomes just a nice thing to look at all dressed up at the front.

This is not the Church Christ shed His blood for and is not what we really want either. If we’re not being entertained by the mass, feeling connected, or don’t feel as if we are getting anything out of it, then go deeper! Seek a better understanding of what is truly going on with each sacrifice of the mass. Dress up knowing that you are going to be in the presence of our King! Disconnect from the business of the world and connect whole heartedly with God. Sing the songs for God’s greater glory as our goal not for the entertainment of the congregation. Be inspired by the saints and follow their model of leading a Christ like life for others. Use that kneeler! Listen to the words Christ speaks to us through our imperfect priests who humble themselves at His service. Pray each prayer with purpose and seek to know the meaning of what you pray. Meditate on what wondrous love God has for us portrayed in the crucifix. Know that in each mass, heaven meets earth and we’re in communion with all saints. Christ gives us His body in the Eucharist as He gave it to us on the cross to save our souls. “Do not seek the food of the earth that will perish, seek the bread of eternal life!”

Thank you Lord for the Catholic Church! Thank you for a church who does not conform who holds fast to the truth of the teachings and traditions instituted by Christ with His agony and shedding of His blood on the Cross. Please keep this church strong and faithful and may it never fall to the whims and wishes of our modern culture.

Truths

           On January 9th I will have been discerning a religious vocation for two years. At this point there still isn't a sure direction I can see God is leading me down. His ways are mysterious and I have faith we're going somewhere. A lot has been weighing heavily on my mind, as I think about these past two years. I think about truths I’ve discovered and proclaimed in my discernment. You know what the neat thing about a truth is that it’s always true no matter what. Even if my discernment leads me not to a convent, but to marriage, these things will still be true.

God loves us unconditionally and unceasingly. He is the only one we can truly depend on and rest our entire hearts in.

I will always be God's precious little girl whom He adores and desires to love and bless me generously.

Our Lord will never be outdone in generosity.

Jesus will always be the perfect guy for me, and He is an Aggie :) No Aggie Catholic guy could ever change that even if I did marry one.

My vocation is to be holy and to give of my whole self to God in giving of myself to others.

My greatest joy and peace is found in God’s presence.

My  heart will always be restless until it rests in God's heart, His hands. (St. Augustine)

Christ wants me for Himself first. We’re all asked to give our hearts ultimately to Him first before others.

The Lord truly generously loves me and He has even shown me this through others.

To live a life centered on the Eucharist is really living.

God is calling all of us, married, single, consecrated, to “Be His Voice.”

I’m never enough on my own. God makes me enough.

Our Lord is always here to dry my tears and calm my fears.

Our greatest achievement, what it truly means to be successful, is having a heart open enough to be everything God asks of you specifically.

Saints do ordinary things with extraordinary love.

To be holy means to take up your cross and follow Christ, to practice true selflessness and humility, before God.

Joy and peace comes with complete trust and faith in God’s plans.